Get from pissed-up Scot to Armani hot in three easy steps


'Creator of Disco' Calvin Harris has undergone quite the transformation since his days playing the afternoon slot at T in the Park. Since jetting across the pond he's went from scrawny Scottish wasteman to highest paid DJ / Taylor Swift dater. Yesterday he uploaded a TBT Instagram of himself from 2002 prompting comparisons with his 2015 physique to practically consume Mail Online. But how did he do it? How did he go from his "Acceptable In The 80s" Dad Bod to literally getting "All The Girls" in a fluster as an Armani Adonis. Well, like most people who have underwent a miraculous metamorphosis, he's now come out with an easy to follow three-step program to get you Ready For The Weekend.


Move To Los Angeles

Admittedly this is a bit of a big first step. But think about it: a national cuisine of battered Mars Bars, deep-fired burgers and Irn Bru is no way to get Armani abs, so it's probably best to put as much distance between you and calorific Calvin-kryptonite as possible. LA is pretty much ground zero for healthy eating, fad diets and super foods, so it seems like a legit destination. Plus you've got the added bonus of all those models, movie stars and muscle beach types walking around to fat shame you into submission.


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Quit Drinking

If you thought step one was difficult and unrealistic, check out step two. Mother of God! Calvin is not messing about with this program, is he? At this point Atkins is looking like a pretty tasty proposition. But I suppose once you've traded in Cameron's Britain for sunny LA, the obsessive compulsion to take the edge off of every waking moment might recede a little. I always assumed "Drinking From the Bottle" was a tip of the cap to 'wreck the hoose juice', Buckfast, but apparently it was Evian in there all along, who knew?


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Eat A Chicken A Day

After the demands of Step 1 and 2, this should come as welcome relief to most dieters. As a twenty-something meat eater, chicken is already such a large part of my diet that it might as well be its own food group, but I'm still nowhere near putting away a bird a day. Aside from the obvious time constraints of cooking and eating an entire animal a day, while also holding down a 9-5 and a social life, there's also the time and money exerted on buying such a colossal amount of chicken. For most it's basically a toss up between a daily 40 minute round trip to Aldi or clawing back some free time by suffering poultry-induced poverty and buying seven chickens a week from Tesco Metro. That said, I imagine I'd have a lot more money and free time from all the standing around not-drinking, and maybe affordable chickens are more convenient in LA than they are in Southwark, so who knows maybe my Calvin abs aren't as unreachable after all.


And for those of you who are dubious about the practicality and financial viability of the three step program, Calvin had one last piece of advice for his legions of un-fit fans, tweeting: “On tour but also training for next Armani shoot! Staying in a gym routine while on the road is tricky, but as long as you don't drink, eat well, sleep enough and take one of those mad little ab rollers with u everywhere you'll be good."


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