The new year is a time for reflection, for reinvention and for taking your foot, momentarily, off the pedal of your ceaseless, mental, partying. We won't talk about Dry January here, because as a grown adult you should know better than to live your life based on what a marketing campaign tells you, but if you are struggling with the drudgery of a month of short days, cold nights and relative sobriety, we thought it might cheer you up to hear some hilarious tales from the dark side of the sesh.

We got three session victims to talk us through their wild nights and woeful mornings. To relive their most mortifying misadventures. To confess their worst crack-on capers.

These are the session victims and here are their stories.

 

(Also we've got Session Victim playing the club on Saturday with Catz 'N Dogz and Dixon Avenue Basement Jams, tickets here

 

The Abduction

A few years ago I went on my first trip to Ibiza. It was a big lads holiday with about 12 of us staying in the Bora Bora apartments. It was a very heavy week, with lots of casualties along the way, but by far the worst thing that went down, happened to me on our fourth night out. I was still up from the night before and was throwing back shots and everything else just to keep me going. Around midnight we jumped in a taxi to cross the island to San An. The night was very hazy and the last thing I can remember is being kicked out of some shit bar with a bongo player. I'd lost all my mates and could barely stand. I tried to get a taxi but nobody would take me. My battered brain figured, it didn't take that long to drive across the island, so I could probably just walk it. I started off into the night. I was walking for ages and ages, following the signs for Playa D'en Bossa, still fucked, exhausted and hungry.

At some point I must have lay down or passed out because the next thing I know I'm lying on the ground and these guys are trying to wake me up. They kept shaking me and trying to pick me up and I was trying to get them to leave me alone. They eventually force me up and then I see this van, they're trying to put me into their fucking van! I go ballistic! I'm struggling and punching, but they get me into an arm lock and force me into the back, I'm kicking and two of them are holding me down. I'm shitting it, but I'm still completely fucked and I end up passing out again.

I must've been out for a long time because when I wake up I'm chained to this bed. I freak out and start struggling, but I can't get out. I've been fucking abducted! I start to get really scared and I'm just trying to wrench my arm free. I'm doing this for a good few minutes, before it finally hits me -  I'm in a hospital. It's like a switch flips and everything makes sense. The van was an ambulance, the abductees, paramedics. After a while a nurse walks in and explains I'm handcuffed to the bed because I was violent to the staff. I apologise profusely and eventually I convince her to get the handcuffs off. She checks me up a bit and leaves me to rest. As soon as she leaves, I'm out of the bed. I search the hotel room, can't find my clothes anywhere, so just fuck them off. I slip out of the ward and bolt to reception. I tell the nurse there I'm just stepping out for a smoke. Once I'm out the door I bolt as fast as I can. I eventually find the road and see a sign for Playa D'en Bossa. I walk the whole way back to the apartment still in a hospital gown. Fuck paying the medical bills.

 

The Uninvited Guest

 

It was my 20th birthday and I decided to throw a party in the house I shared with my uni mates. We used to live in Fallowfield in Manchester, which was a huge student area, so it wasn't unusual for random people to turn up any time you threw a house party. Usually it wasn't an issue and you would generally do the same thing if you saw a party happening on your street or whatever. On this night there was like 60 to 80 people in the house.

My older brother was visiting from London with a lot of his mates who had studied in Manchester, so there were quite a lot of older people there, who we didn't really recognise. One of them was this really weird guy, who was totally fucked and basically didn't say a word to anyone all night. He just kind of swayed back and forth on his own drinking straight vodka. Eventually I was having a smoke with some of my brother's mates and asked them what was up with their weird friend. They asked who I meant and when I described the guy they freaked out and started pissing themselves shouting "We thought that guy was your weird mate", "he's not with us", "what's his deal?" that kind of thing.

So I was a little concerned that there was just this random guy in our house, but it was just him and there was loads of us, so we figured what's the harm if he says a while. Big mistake! At one point I'm walking past my room and I notice something moving in there. I switch on the light and see him standing there pissing on my floor! He was so far gone he thought he was at a urinal or something. I scream and get a bunch of the boys to kick him out. It all settles down and we kind of crack on with the party. Then like an hour later he appears in the living room again and just starts pissing everywhere. This time he gets thrown out! Everyone stood on the doorstep yelling at him to fuck off, it was really intense.

The next day when we're doing the big tidy up, the doorbell goes. We figured someone ordered a pizza or something as loads of people had stayed over. When we opened the door, it was the random weird guy! He was stood there with flowers and a box of Cadbury's Heroes. He said he was really sorry if he was too drunk last night and hoped he wasn't a dick. Then he asked us - actually asked us - "I didn't... piss anywhere... did I?" We were like YEAH! and he just replied "yeah, that happens sometimes. Sorry" and walked off!

 

The Unicorn

Long story short: I was sessioning at an after party in my mates gaff. We were all in his room getting fucked up. At some point I fell asleep in his wardrobe. When they saw me in there they got this big  dildo we'd all bought him as a joke birthday present ages ago, and stuck it on my head. They took a photo, captioned it "found a unicorn in Narnia" and sent it to all my mates. To this day everyone calls me unicorn. Even my ma... she doesn't know why.

 

If you or someone you know is a session victim, share your story anonymously by emailing mfrancey@ministryofsound.com and win free club tickets.

 

Session Victim are joined by Catz 'N Dogz, Trace Wax and Dixon Avenue Basement Jams for the FOUND debut on Sat 20th Jan, tickets & more info here.

 

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Managing Editor