Who are these characters and what do they have planned for our club?
There's a door deep in the bowels of Ministry of Sound HQ. It's a black door with flaking paint and a rusty handle. Embossed on that door - in neon pink lettering - are the words: "The Ting Tong Club".
Recently notices started appearing around our office stating: "The Ting Tong Club Is Out Of Bounds" and that employees should ignore any noises coming from behind the mysterious door.
And there were A LOT of noises.
Drilling, sawing, hammering, welding, screaming, screeching, squawking, disco beats, stamping feet, Lil Louis - "French Kiss" and long bouts of high-pitched maniacal laughter were just some of the sounds slithering out from behind that pitch black door.
This went on for weeks, until one day the noises stopped... The door vanished and the warning signs were replaced with posters telling us The Ting Tong Club would be taking over Ministry of Sound on Saturday 12th March - that's this Saturday.
Since then we've managed to uncover precious little details about the mysterious night, and the atmosphere in the office is tense, to say the least.
Just as we were giving up all hope of knowing what was in store for us this weekend, a nondescript package arrived on my desk. The address was written in cut out bits of newspaper and inside were a bunch of grainy photographs along with some barely legible handwritten notes.
This is everything we know about The Ting Tong Club.
The Door To The Club Appears To Be A Giant .....
We don't know how, we don't know why.
There Will Be A Special 'Police Force'
And their style goals appear to be 'The Warriors go to Torture Garden'.
They'll Be Taking Prisoners
And putting them through a rigorous rehabilitation process. We've been assured that with the bad cops, come the good cops, whose job it'll be to give out special Ting Tonics for being fabulous.
Religion Will Be Around To Give Out Custom Merch
The guys at Smirnoff will also be teaming up with us, so look out for whatever they're cooking up.
And that's everything we know, wish us luck and keep everything crossed that our club will still be standing come Sunday.