Valentine's weekend is upon us and everyone who's single is looking to pull
If you're determined not to spend another Valentine's weeping into a Basics lasagne and a West Coast Cooler, then you've only got two nights left to go out and bag yourself a date. Luckily those nights are Friday and Saturday, so all the clubs will be packed full of singletons looking to score.
While pulling on a night out isn't always easy, it's certainly preferable to swipe rights and singles nights. So to help you on your quest to find a V-day bae, we've put together a full proof guide to gettin' lucky and illustrated it with Simpsons memes (because why not?).
Follow these instructions to the letter and we guarantee you'll pull this Valentine's weekend. And when you do, make sure you have a copy of Throwback Slowjamz on hand to get the mood just right.
Get An Eye-Catching Outfit
It's immeasurably important that your chosen outfit is both eye-catching and flattering. A good rule of thumb is the tighter and brighter the better.
Flash That Cash
What does everyone love even more than confidence? Money. Make sure everybody in the club knows you've got shit-tonnes of it. Ditch the wallet and carry around a fat wad of cash instead. Bonus points if you can stretch to a solid gold money clip in the shape of a dollar sign.
When waiting to be served be sure to lean over the bar and hold out your wad of cash for all to see - bartenders LOVE when people do this and will undoubtedly serve you first. If this isn't getting you enough attention, feel free to just throw handfuls of fivers into strangers faces.
Act Like You Might Be A DJ
The DJ is king of the club, so it makes sense to act like maybe you are one. Be sure to hang around the DJ booth trying to get their attention. Go for a hi-five or a fist bump so it looks like you know them. Do this every few minutes to make sure everyone's seen. For added realism bring a crate of vinyl with you, or a pocket full of USBs with 'DEMO' written on them to hand out in the smoking area.
Play It Cool
ALWAYS ACT COOL. Find a good wall to lean against and vibe out to the music, maybe even bring a book to leaf through. It always helps your chances if you look like you have options and nothing screams 'hot property' like really obviously going on Tinder in a nightclub. So make sure you do this frequently.
Check Out The Smoking Area
The smoking area is a great place to get chatting to a future bae. Even if you don't smoke, be sure to make regular laps throughout the night, as you never know who you might bump into.
Do The Dance Approach
When someone catches your eye, whatever you do, DON'T just go up and talk to them. A smarter idea is to dance your way across the room to them. Think dad-at-a-wedding-strut-to-the-dancefloor... but SEXY. Pitch up beside your love interest and wow them with a rogues gallery of your best moves.
Like, Really, Let Loose
This is no time to hold back, you need to show them you know how to get down. Science has shown that there's a direct relationship between how outlandish a suitors dance moves are and their success rate. Two words: Break. Dance. Do flips, rolls, spins. Everyone else is a mere wallflower, you're a titillating tornado of sexy.
Find Common Ground
Once you've got their attention and wowed them with your untamed physicality, it's time to remove yourselves to a quieter area and find some common ground. Ask some questions, use your best lines and finally...
Make Your Move
You'll know when the time is right.
Seal The Deal... With An After Party!
Once moves have been made, it can be difficult to seal the deal. A lot of people have weird hangups about going home with someone they've only just met. How do you get around this? Invite the whole club back to yours! It's not sleazy, it's a After Party!
"Everyone on the banter bus (night bus) back to Streatham, we're going HAM" - is what you need to loudly declare in the queue for the cloakroom. Doubtless the masses (and your new love) will follow.
All that's left to do now is get your coat.
Throwback Slowjamz is out now, get yours here.
Follow Matt on Twitter