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Surviving The Gay Jungle AKA A Guide To Gay Clubbing

A gay man's gift to all those straight bros with questions.
 

We’ve probably all done some salubrious things for a cheap drink in 2016’s economic climate


As a gay man, I’d probably (maybe) go to a Putin fundraiser featuring Ten Walls if there were promises of £5 espresso martini’s. Equally, most straight men will have truffle shuffled their way to a local gay bar for cheap drinks, late opening times and innocuous Kylie Minogue remixes.

We’re only human.

Gay clubbing is however, a different ball park. Done properly it's a world away from furtive last chance saloon drinks when you don’t want to call it a night.

Recently, I was speaking to a pretty liberal straight buddy about how he was being coerced into going to a gay club night. Despite being a practiced mixed martial artist, I saw fear in his eyes and a pulsating stress vein appeared on his head. Sweat dripped from his face as he asked questions like “is there wall to wall dick on show?” and “do they play Stonebridge and Freemasons remixes all night?”.

In the words of Carrie Bradshaw, I got to thinking.

Does the average straight lad see gay clubs as some kind of effervescent sex jungle where nobody is safe? A place where music is savaged and drenched in Ableton-preset-laden remixes?

Straight guys, it’s not that bad!

You will be welcomed with open arms in our Mecca, but, you should know shit can get real predatory real quickly. So here are a few things to look out for you if you want to survive the night…


The Gorilla


Remember in Eurotrip when Cooper went in to Hotel Vandersexxx? Unless you want to become someone’s Vanderbitch, avoid the hyper-macho men. They WILL be fresh from Berlin, and they WILL be thirsty. You will find them in dark corners (always avoid), drinking GHB.


The Wise Tortoises


Older gay couples in gay clubs are cool AF. It’s not like in straight clubs where anyone over 40 is ostracized - these guys have probably partied with Boy George.


The Lioness

There are two types of lioness in a gay club: the drag queens and the scene queens. They rule the clubs and know everyone. Accept that you have to be submissive to their power. Get on their good side and there is a good chance you will get some free drinks tokens, though whatever you do though, DO NOT TOUCH HER MANE.


The Watering Hole

The toilets. No eye contact. Eyes forward. Stare vacantly into the piss bucket and pray you get out alive.


The Mating Dance

That breakdancing shit you used to crack out in year six hasn’t been cool for years, so don’t try duelling a queen. Gay clubs are littered with esoteric dance moves that have been honed for years, so just bop to the music and don’t attract attention to yourself.


The Hunting Hour


Don’t stay at a gay club past 3am. The hunting hour is feral, and depending on the club night, the music gets harder and harder, in perfect synchronicity with the omnipresent ragers that are developing around you.


Some General Dos And Don'ts

DO - talk to us normally. Just because we’re gay doesn’t mean we won’t have similar interests. We also spent our youth playing Street Fighter, albeit exclusively playing as Chun Li.

DON’T - request songs from the DJ. You have no idea what the crowd want.

DO - buy us an espresso martini. Despite popular belief, gay men haven’t drank cosmopolitans since Carl Cox had hair.

DON'T cling to your girlfriend. Set her free. A girl and her GBF must be harmoniously unchained.

DO - wingman the lonely guy in the corner who’s on Grindr.

DON’T - wear check flannel shirts.  And stop calling us “man.” We get it. You’re straight.


And Finally...

Have FUN!


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More From Danny:

What Will Become Of Gay Clubbing In London?

King Of The Clubs: Berlin Versus London

We Tried To FaceSwap DJs With Game Of Thrones Characters


Written by Danny Ingham

25 May 2016