Once again Valentine’s Day rears its ugly head, ready to snare your confidence in its chocolate claws
For the rest of the year you're the Beyonce Knowles of the party, oozing sass and dancing with reckless abandon. However, February 14th can make even the most self assured singleton feel a bit on the Michelle Williams side of life, sidelined by smug faced couples and brought to the brink of tears by 2-4-1 Taste The Difference meal deals.
But don’t let your misery stop you from having a blast on V-day. Head out and strut your stuff. Even if you do spend the night dancing on your own, it's better than sitting at home stalking your exes online and crying over First Dates reruns.
This is your guide to navigating a potentially disastrous Valentine's Day, complete with a selection of tunes that’ll make you feel whole again in the approaching dark times…
The Morning Jog
Ample preparation for a night out is essential. 4AM will inevitably see you chowing down on an XL chicken bucket - but if you go for a jog now, you can avoid piling gluttony guilt onto an already vicious hangover tomorrow.
But wait, it’s Valentine’s Day. Your emotions are all over the shop. You’re an irrational wreck.
The swans swimming in the pond as you run engulf you with sharp pangs of worthlessness. You know that those fuckers will be together forever. Loyally following each other around the pond while you get older, fatter and more alone.
THE REMEDY: De'lacy - "Hideaway"
“I’m an independent woman, mmm, I don’t need no man to take care of me”. This lyric, in all its glory, will quash any fears of loneliness.
The Facebook Stalk
You’re feeling a little better after a a 5-minute slut drop warm down to Hideaway, and you check the Facebook event to see which of your mates are at the party you’re heading to tonight.
But, as you scroll through your feed, horror ensues...
Remember that faux-friend you had ages ago? The one you hated but relied on for guest list every other weekend?
Well, whilst you’re frantically plucking your monobrow in preparation for a Valentine's singles night, he’s posting pictures of himself in Paris with his girlfriend. Caption: “so glad I sorted my life out. Love you babe.”
You feel alone, and ashamed that you’re Valentine's night will involve spending your last £100 on Jägerbombs.
THE REMEDY: Byron Stingily – "Get Up" (Parade Mix)
“There’s a party goin’ on, people everywhere”. PEOPLE… EVERYWHERE. Who wants to stick to just one person?
Byron Stingily to the rescue! You’re feeling better already. Who wants to go to Paris anyway? Last time you went it was shit and the food was totally overpriced.
You call a couple of pals and decide to make the 1-hour pilgrimage to your favourite restaurant. You can almost smell the £7 black cod special. You open the door, only to be greeted by a swarm of two-person tables, teeming with Prosecco bottles, roses and heart-shaped balloons.
The waitress tells you they're fully booked, and only have tables for two anyway. You leave abruptly with your tail between your legs, stopping off for a grab bag of Doritos.
THE REMEDY: MK - "Burning"
“my body’s burning for you”… the snacks. Your body is burning for snacks, and this makes you happy.
The Pre Party
After filling up on carby snacks, it’s time to celebrate singledom with the rest of your friends. This is going to be the pre-party to end all pre-parties. Unfortunately the idea of swapping crippling isolation for a room full of your nearest and dearest gets you a bit over-excited and, without thinking, you invite everyone in your phone book.
The scenario turns into a bit of a clusterfuck, after you realise you've foolishly invited two people that used to date, without letting them know. There is an obscene amount of tension in the air, and you don’t know what to do.
THE REMEDY: Matrix – "Get Out" (Kerri Chandler Remix)
The title speaks for itself. GET OUT, NOW!
The Night Out
We are taught to believe that Halloween is the scariest night out of the year, but kids, we were taught wrong.
A Valentine’s Day night out is basically 28 Days Later, but instead of flesh-eating zombies, the streets are swarmed with STD riddled, horny troglodites, desperately hunting for some hot sex to quench their empty souls.
THE REMEDY: Kim English – "Nitelife"
You’re out to party, not find love. Remember that. “The nitelife, that’s where I want to be. Everybody’s lovin’ me for being me”.
Congratulations, you’re fully prepared to make it through what is essentially the Tough Mudder of singledom.
You are a strong, independent man/woman, who don’t need no ho to feel empowered.
Thanks to the help of classic house bangers, you now feel ready to take on the world… alone… and fat… and probably a little bit ugly…
…OK, here’s one more:
If you're not going to be alone this Valentine's and you need a present for your significant other, you should get them Throwback Slowjamz, that way they definitely won't leave you for someone better looking.
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09 Feb 2016