You should probably be sitting down for this one
It's been a massive news week this week guys. One of the biggest we've ever seen. We've had Bowie, Rickman, an impending financial crises, terror attacks, junior doctors strike, the Friends reunion and, of course, the celebrity Big Brother bust-up.
But this earth-shattering news week is not over yet, oh no, because BBC Hampshire & Isle of White has just brought us a Pultitzer worthy story, the likes of which you've never seen.
It seems that Oceana, a nightclub popular with students, hairdressers and people who work in sales, has developed a controversial new door policy for it's Tuesday nights. Branded 'Cheeky Tuesdays' the promotion invites revellers to wave goodbye to the usual £5 entrance fee by presenting a banana to the door staff.
Banana = free entry
No Banana = £5 entry
Well not for the BBC and certainly not for local food bank operative, Louisa Hamidi, who has labelled the promotion 'ridiculous'. Hamidi, who is described as representing a 'junk food collective', states that bananas are "already the most wasted food in the UK" and thinks that wasting loads of bananas to mitigate the decline in VK sales brought on by Dry January is a bit, you know, stupid.
Now I know, you, like me, have a lot of questions about this shocking news, but to be honest the BBC News report is so dazzling that it can at times be difficult to keep up with.
Luckily I watched the dispatch around 37 times this morning, so I'm going to try and answer as many of the most pressing questions about the story below.
Question 1: What's So Cheeky About Paying To Get In With A Banana?
Answer: Well, I guess it's probably a reference to Banana's being sort of Blackpool postcard substitutes for dicks? or maybe it's because monkeys eat bananas and monkeys are cheeky? Or maybe it's because you, the customer, are pulling a 'fast one' on the door staff by paying with fruit instead of actual money.
A Cheeky Tuesdays attendee details the banana exchange process.
Question 2: Do The Punters Get To Eat Their Banana Or Do They Have To Relinquish It To Gain Entry?
Answer: No, they do not get to eat their banana. They must hand it over in order to get entry. As the above eyewitness states: "basically you go up there, you give them the bananas and then they just put them behind the thing. You get a ticket and you go in."
Question 3: How Many People Took Advantage Of The Banana Promotion During The Inaugural Cheeky Tuesday?
Answer: "Almost all of them".
Revellers discuss the merits of pay by banana scheme.
Question 4: Why Has This Got People Excited?
Answer: "Because it's cheaper than handing over a credit card. You just hand over a banana".
Question 5: How Many Bananas Could Potentially Be Handed Over On Any Given Cheeky Tuesday?
Answer: "Up to 4,000"
Louisa Hamidi - a Cheeky Tuesdays skeptic.
Question 6: What's Wrong With The Cheeky Tuesday Promotion?
Answer: According to Louisa Hamidi, Bananas are already the most wasted food in the UK, so we shouldn't waste anymore with stupid nightclub promotions.
Question 7: Are Bananas Really The Most Wasted Food In The UK?
A man who wants to know what happens to the bananas.
Question 8: Right Enough Though, What Does Happen To All Those Bananas?
Answer: They're disposed of for health and safety reasons and/or they're offer to Oceana employees to eat during their shift.
Question 9: So If You Went To Oceana Next Tuesday, How Many Staff Would Be Stood Around Eating Bananas?
Answer: Well they employ 120 people BUT they typically only receive 50 or 60 bananas per week. So you can expect roughly half of the staff to be munching bananas, should you take a trip to Southhampton next Tuesday.
Question 10: Is Any Of This Actually News?
More Era-Defining News Coverage:
14 Jan 2016