Here's our hot predictions for 2016
Diplo Tries His Hand At Classical Music
Proving that there’s still a pebble beach worth of stones to be turned, Diplo lends his hand to contemporary classical music production. 2016 will bring a meeker, milder Diplo; his ‘no more topless photos’ policy has seen to this.
Elevator Music Will Be 'The New Tropical House'
Tropical house's prospects are looking pretty bleak in January 2016. It's a cold harsh world out there and there's just no place in our hearts for tropical synth and steel drums. But the world will always need screen saver music - music to put on while you want to focus on something more important that music - like making out, smoking draw or staring vacantly into the abyss that is your life. To fill the papaya-shaped void left by tropical house, we reckon late 80s elevator music will make a comeback in 2016.
DeadMau5 Starts Up A Charity
2015 ended on a sobering note for Deadmau5. He wrote something a few people actually agreed with, discussed his mental health and its implications on his social output, and managed to refrain from inciting online irritation-for a few weeks. Should the new year bring forth an upward trajectory, we may see his next step be in the line of charitable giving.
Festival Line Ups Have Only Female Headliners.
JUST JOKING! Women will continue to be sidelined as members of the music industry. Bothered by this? Help do something about it. Urge your favourite club to book talented female DJs. Buy your favourite DJ's music. Make a fucking fuss if you're a female DJ who is being shafted. The internet wants to hear you.
Craig David Collaborates With MJ Cole, Is Canonised By End of Year
Wouldn’t this be perfect? The two legends of garage create a track that transcends time, space and genre. It is released, becoming number one in all countries over the world. Craig David is immediately beamed up to heaven, only for God himself to tell him to go back down to Earth, as the human race just can’t do without him just yet.
We'll *Finally* See The Ringtone Resurgence
Once the world's vinyl resources have finally be exhausted from making reissues of Alphabeat singles, purists will be forced to find a new format to inexplicably fetishise. And we predict they'll turn their steel gaze and oft-scratched chins in the direction of the early noughies polyphonic ringtone. "Is there any truer representation of music that really stays with you" they'll punch onto online message boards. "It's nailing your flags to the mast of an artist you respect - for the whole world to see" they'll yawn at you down the pub. "Polyphonic = Joy" they'll have printed onto Fruit of the Loom t-shirts. During Christmas 2016, HMV will sell a Nokia 3310 every minute.
Zomby Offered Role As Head of Innovation At Twitter
Zomby is without doubt the mac daddy of DJ Twitter trolls. Sure Deadmau5 is more prolific, but he occasionally quits social media. Sure DJ Sneak is more notorious, but his tweets are never witty. As perfectly demonstrated by the above tweet, Zomby has his troll game on point. So we predict that in 2016, shortly after Twitter Moments crash and burn, and well after thousands of users have vacated the service after the induction of 10k character tweets, Twitter will land on Zomby's doorstep. Cap in hand. Begging for some fresh ideas. Zomby will then snapchat himself slamming his door in their faces.
Skrillex Will Go On Jeremy Kyle USA To Find Out His True Parentage
More 2016 Musings:
08 Jan 2016