2016 Will See The DJ Rule Book Get Rewritten

Dance music is getting a facelift.

As the year draws to a close, our team of writers contemplates a year in music. 

From new trends to traits that need to be left in the past, the last twelve months have birthed as many signs of progression as they have elements of deterioration. 

Though music production has been exciting as ever, doors have closed (both physically and metaphorically) on some of the women behind the beats, as well as more than a few of the venues that have hosted them. 

Harold Heath deliberates on the changes that need implementing on the dancefloor in 2016.

New Additions To The DJ Rule Book For 2016

The end of the year is traditionally when organisations review their performance and assess their targets, and the world of DJing is no different. 

Every year, the DJ Regulatory body OFSPIN issues a number of new changes and directives that all DJs, promotors and clubbers will need to enact. Here are a few of the more interesting updates that will affect all of us in clubland in 2016:

1. An embargo is to be placed on ‘Tropical House’ until its effects on the human nervous system are fully understood.

2. Carl Cox is to be declared a National Trust Area of Historic Interest.

3. Every piece of DJ technology is now required by law to have the phrase ‘on-the-fly’ in its marketing material.

4. The deep V-neck t-shirt is now officially outlawed and is to be replaced temporarily by the black drop-crotch sweatpants until a more suitable, less stupid-looking replacement can be found.

5. In order to comply with European directives, use of the term ‘Smashed it’ is to be restricted to actual breakages of physical materials rather than as a metaphor. Failure to comply may result in “Mad Skillz” privileges being revoked.

6. The laws regarding Tech House breakdowns are to be relaxed, allowing for producers to make tunes with breakdowns shorter than a week.

7. Richie Hawtin’s hair is to be declared an independent principality, with its own constitution and standing army.


8. The fist-pump is now considered passé and is to be phased out. DJs will instead be required to Zumba when they need to “hype the room, yo”. The ‘Heart Shape’ and the ‘Jesus’ remain under judicial review.

9. All DJ biographies are now to be written in the third person, and should contain a reference to a musical upbringing which included grade 4 piano lessons.

10. Information concerning when the bass will drop is now to be disseminated widely which is hoped will assist clubbers in perfectly syncing their air-punches with the bass-drop.

With these new directives in place, we think you’ll agree 2016 is set to be another fun-filled action-packed year in clubland. You are of course strongly encouraged to report any incidences of non-compliance to the relevant authorities. Smaller infringements can be referred to OFSPIN, however in more serious cases, we recommend that non-compliance to be reported directly to DJ Sneak’s Twitter feed for immediate beef.

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Written by Harold Heath

30 Dec 2015