2015 has been a year pock marked with club closures
The new year wasn't even allowed to pop a berocca before the first venue bit the dust, and now as 2015 enters its final hurdle, London continues to be plagued with news of impending closures.
These are travesties that are felt just as heavily by the capital's LGBTQ populace, a gang who can (arguably) party harder than all of London’s uber-to-bed ravers put together.
With strongholds like Madame JoJo’s and The Joiners Arms shut down in the face of Crossrail and luxury flats, we asked champion LGBTQ clubber Danny Ingham to take side-eyed look at what London's night time economy could become if Boris Johnson doesn't pull himself together.
Gay London is officially pissed off in 2030.
The sky above London is thick with smoke. Feather boas lie in tatters on the floor. Contouring brushes stay tragically unattended in unisex toilet cubicles. Twitter goes into overload, as #GayRiotLondon trends across the UK.
The LGBTQ community has finally reached breaking point after the Stalin-esque obliteration of gay clubs and pubs in their city. They are outraged by the blandification of London, and begin firing a shit-tonne of glitter missiles at empty apartment blocks, which once hosted the campest parties the UK had ever seen.
Let’s snap back to 2015: a time when gay clubs are shutting down at an alarming rate. Though to many the venues that are left are like the black cabs of the clubbing world, their value is still immeasurable in places like G.A.Y. where you can still go from zero > turnt mess in 30 minutes, and Dalston Superstore, home of the greatest homo-innuendos ever created (Clam Jam FTW).
These are places where you can listen to deep and funky house, classic Abba medleys, and trap remixes all in one night, with little to no irony. More importantly, gay clubs are safe havens for entry-level gays, stage-10 queens, and everyone in between.
With the rate of venue closures, we gay clubbers could well be approaching a pretty shit time in London, which has one of the most varied scenes in the world. Don’t believe me? Here are some disastrous consequences that we may face in 2030….
The Slut Drop Has Become But A Memory
Blandification of club culture has killed a variety of dance moves. The slut drop? Gone. Death drop? Forgotten. Whipping your hair back and forth? A weave-snatched dream.
THE STRUGGLE IS REAL
Gay Pride Is No Longer A Parade - It's Live Streamed On Grindr And Sponsored By Natwest
With no gay venues left, there is no pride parade. Everyone just goes online instead and watches Queer As Folk. Or The L Word on repeat, and in real time. No pride means an end to walking around Soho at 0.1mph, getting lost in a sea of armpit hair and leather vests. It’s an end to witnessing old men giving twinks the seedy stank eye from afar.
Gay tents in festivals become overcrowded.
The Little Gay Brother Tent at Lovebox has been forced to rename itself the Big Gay Brother Tent, taking up most of the festival. Demand for a space where confirmed homosexuals can dance to a DJ that plays Hercules & Love Affair on repeat is out of control. It renders Hercules & Love Affair’s actual live performance at the event unnecessary.
The Death Of The Drag Queen
Drag queens have given up on looking for work in London, and most have up sticks and moved to Manchester, turning Canal Street in to a RuPaul-shaped hell hole. Jodie Harsh officially asks everyone to call him Jay from now on.
The Royal Vauxhall Tavern goes in to overload
Property development has forced almost all queer clubs to shut down across the city. There is only one gay venue left – The Royal Vauxhall Tavern – which has been acquired by Soho House, and charges £50 a month membership with a waiting list of over 100,000 savagely thirsty men.
John Lewis Opens In Dalston
Dalston is officially declared ‘boring’ after Superstore and Vogue Fabrics shut down within the space of two weeks. Following this, a cluster of rah-rah department stores open.
The BFI Starts Showing Awful Documentaries On Gay Clubs
The BFI starts showing more and more macabre documentaries on the history of gay bars, depicting them as an isolating, tragic experience. The shows always sell out, filled with people crying and reminiscing about dancing to fun Freemasons remixes for four hours at a time.
Another bastion of dance music in London is at threat. Help save Peckham's Bussey Building by signing a petition right here.
12 Nov 2015