Our Hot Tips For London's Night Mayor

Just imagine Danny Dyer yelling "Nice One Bruuuuvvvvah" while approving liquor licenses.

These are the heroes London wants (not necessarily the ones it needs)

After a number of high profile club closures and a BBC report that found the number of nightclubs in the UK has halved over the past ten years things were looking pretty grim for the future of clubbing in the capital. Just as it seemed like London was on the brink of becoming a silent showroom for luxary flats, the Night Time Industries Association commissioned a report to highlight the problem in the only language the powers that be understand - money. It revealed that the UK night time economy is worth £66 billion.

Soon after, then Mayor of London, Boris Johnson set up the Mayor's Music Venues Taskforce to compile an investigation into what can be done to protect clubbing culture in one of the most important dance music cities in the world. The report is out now and it has suggested the creation of a 'Night Mayor' to oversee the best interests of the night time industry and balance it with those of residents and property owners.

But who is right for such a big job? Who can step into such big shoes and not only champion dance music and clubbing, but also take no shit from those who would see an end to the night time culture.

Here are a few people we think could be the ones to do it.

Paul Oakenfold

Paul's already told us that he thinks he could run for Mayor of London and sort out the whole city, never mind just the night time industry. To be honest it might not be as daft as it sounds - the man was partly responsible for brining dance music to our shores. He pioneered modern clubbing with Shoom and brought trance into the Nation's living rooms with the Big Brother theme.

Pete Tong

If Oakie is the name everybody knows, Pete is the voice. He's been announcing the hottest new acts in dance music to the UK and the world for longer than I've even been alive. If there's one guy that can stand up in front of a room of politicians and counsellors and really hype clubbing culture, it's Pete Tong. Oh, and he's an MBE.

Chuka Umunna

Chucka Umma not only has the political connections and respectability, he's also got the vibes covered from his days running garage nights in Manchester.

Mary Anne Hobbs

Probably the strongest contender of the lot. Mary Anne's got it all: a deep knowledge of dance music, a thorough understanding of clubbing culture, a calm and collected demeanour, National Treasure status and a soothing voice to calm down irate property developers.

Flat Eric

The recently returned partying puppet is an icon of dance music's heydey - a legend from a time when nightclubs never closed and electronic music dominated pop culture. If anyone can tear through the bullshit of modern London, it's our man Eric. Here he is demonstrating how to deftly deal with phoned-in noise complaints.

Danny Dyer In Character From Human Traffic

Curve ball: how about we elect Danny Dyer, one of the greatest actors of his generation (obviously), to the position of Night Mayor on the one condition that he remains in character as Moff from Human Traffic for the duration of his term? Just imagine a promoter wanting to extend their license, phoning up the Night Mayor's office and getting Danny - sorry Moff - approving their application with the immortal: "Nice One Bruuuuuvvvvah". What a brave new world of clubbing culture that would surely usher in.

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Written by Matthew Francey

21 Oct 2015