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A Blow By Blow Account Of We Are Your Friends

We watched We Are Your Friends so you don't have to.
 

We Are Your Friends is slowly being pulled from cinemas


Limited to a maximum of two showings a day - the majority being shoehorned in between 11am and 2pm - its reputation as one of the biggest box office failures in history has caught up with it in less than a week of release.

Critics have found reasons to slate it ranging from bad acting to unoriginal plotlines, with one review calling it “as blank and empty as Zac Efron’s stare”. One of the guys in charge of making it has even admitted performance was "disappointing", which must have felt the same as when your dad sides with your teacher on parent's evening.

Regardless, I willingly sat through two hours of what can only be described as the most predictable cinema I’ve seen since anything Adam Sandler has ever been in. What followed was a film with a teenage plotline, a millennial theme and an outdated group of actors executing the whole thing.

Whilst some argued WAYF did well to argue the vacuous nature of EDM, what it succeeded in was showing how badly a film can be made when it capitalises on a theme that should be left to those who do it best.

As I sat alone in the cinema with no company other than a couple who were probably furious with me for crashing their #datenight, these are the notes I made as a way of forcing myself not to walk out.


'we're only 3 mins in'

At this point the bulk of everything I hated from the trailer has already happened. Zac Efron and his band of merry men have done a choreographed walk on to the tune of "We Are Your Friends" and I am dissatisfied to find out there is still another one hour and thirty seven minutes left of play.


'GOD YOU SUCK'

Initial thoughts as the nerdy member of the group holds back a tear as he clasps his friend's hands and talks about how the pre-lash is always the best part of the night. SPOILER ALERT: this guy ends up dead.


Watch this genius movie mashup for a dance music meets Hollywood video that suck




'Why does he have his eyebrow shaved like Sisqo?'

Thoughts upon realising Zac's got a slit in his eyebrow.

'Is she on autopout?'

Thoughts on Emily Rajatakowsi's perpetually moody demeanour.

'I think the couple behind me are fumbling about too much'

When I realised my companions were probably just as bored as I was.


'shady Phil Dunphy'

In relation to Zac's money laundering real estate boss. Think this guy, but with a baseball bat.




'How is she such an intact gurner?'

WAYF creates a curious parallel universe for Zac and Em Raj, who stay up all night, shufflin and poppin molly. Bizarrely (and hugely unrealistically) the closest she gets to looking messy is losing her continental head dress, whereas Z-Efron is left with a few mild beads of sweat. Further still, they manage to have sex and wake up the next day hungry and in good spirits. They share pancakes and burgers. Everything is great. Everything is possible.

NON OF THIS WOULD HAPPEN IRL. What WAYF's skips is the part where Em-Raj sweats off all of her make up and Z-Efron has to wear sunglasses because his pupils are falling out of his head, followed by the part where they wake up to face a raging comedown and a stomach that can't fit any food until at least 48 hours later. 


'Why is everyone getting paid in wads of cash?'

Apparently interest free ISA's do not exist in the Valley.


Did we mention that WAYF had one of the worst opening weekends in movie history?


'CAN I LEAVE'

This came after a video montage of Zac finding inspiration from a phone recording of his dead friend made me want to walk out.


'I LITERALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED'

Closing point.


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Written by Tamara Roper

08 Sep 2015