And Cage These Guys Instead

After the false imprisonment of Evian Christ at Leeds Festival last weekend, we run down some more deserving candidates.

After the false imprisonment of Evian Christ at Leeds Festival last weekend, we run down some more deserving candidates

Last weekend probably one of the most bizarre pieces of music news this year did the rounds on social media. British DJ and Kanye collaborator, Evian Christ, was detained by security staff at Leeds Festival after they found him wandering around backstage without a pass. Evian, who had played the festival earlier that day claims that a member of security removed his pass while he was searching for his car.

Whether the pass was removed or not is kind of irrelevant now, because the security staff thought the appropriate course of action would be to detain the artist in a makeshift cage(!). Evian then tweeted a video from within the cage and the hashtag #freeevian started to trend. Evian was eventually released and - to his credit - was even prepared to play Leeds' sister festival, Reading, the next day. That is until Hudson Mohawke tweeted a photo from Reading's backstage showing a cage with an 'Evian Christ' dressing room sign on it.

The story is obviously ridiculous, probably illegal and raises some important questions about regulation of security services in the UK (which Christ raised in his excellently worded response to the incident), but it also got us thinking - if festivals are now going to go around caging people, surely there are more fitting targets than Evian Christ.

So here are the people we think could should Evian's boots this weekend, for the greater good of humanity.

Jamie Oliver

It's rare to capture the twin evils of dad dancing and cringe DJing in one video, but Jamie Oliver and Blur's Alex James managed it with this abhorrent display from something called Food Festival. To make matters even worse, Jamie's smug singing, lad-prancing and air drumming suggest that he genuinely believes he's smashing this set. Nobody asked you to tell us how to eat Jamie and nobody wants to sit through your Sixth Form pre-lash DJ set. Get in the cage.

Simon Cowell

Why an entire nation stood idly by and let SyCO ruin both TV AND Music astonishes me. Too long have we given sly Si free reign to fumble around with our cherished cultural pillars, repeatedly smashing pop music and primetime TV together like teenagers on a first date. Maybe - just maybe - if we get him in the cage quick enough, we can save dance music from becoming the vacuous vehicle for fame and despair Si wants it to be.

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Ten Walls

Sorry Ten Walls, but we've got no room in our club for homophobia, to the cage with you.


Snap for racism Bods, off you go.

Maybe If Evian Christ Had've Read Our No-Bullshit Guide To Festivals He Could've Avoided The Cage?


It's the first weekend in September, the bank holiday's gone, Carnivals gone, SUMMER's gone. So unfortunately we (in the UK at least) have little need for tropical house jams (beyond teary-eyed summer longing sessions) so into the cage you go, Kygo. We'll let you out again in April, when we're back in short sleeves and shades.

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Written by Matthew Francey

04 Sep 2015