We sat through all FIFTEEN MINUTES of the new Tiesto-fronted DJ Talent show 'Your Shot' just for you
Welcome to the first in a new series where we at Ministry Magazine put on our altruist caps and do you a solid by putting ourselves through various hells so you don't have to. To kick off we thought we'd go with something topical: DJ Talent Shows. The prospect of a DJ-centric X-Factor type show has been looming large on the horizon since Simon Cowell first googled "EDM", but while we're still awaiting the horrors of whatever that births, Tiesto has just unveiled the first two episodes of his very own DJ talent show.
Teaming up with everyone's second favourite lemonade brand and Australian talent show Your Shot, Tiesto is on the hunt for The Next Big Thing in dance music and he's decided that a heavily branded web only video series is the way to do it. Episodes one and two dropped this week and we've sat through every millisecond of this #brandedcontent so you don't have to.
Episode one is basically a five minute advertisement for every other episode and should be viewed more as a Guinness World Record attempt at most products placed per second of footage - an impressive 52 cans of 7UP in a 5:02 minute video - than an actual creative endeavour, so we'll dive in with episode two.
The episode begins - as it should - with the big man giving us a rare insight into his psyche. Here he tells us that he thinks the DJ is most the important person at a festival or club, "because he decides the mood". Sage words indeed from T-daddie-o here. Preach.
After Tiesto's heart-to-heart it's straight into the action, with a cold opening showing us a mystery man calling up a contestant.
And because this is TV and literally nobody is allowed to use a phone the way everyone does in real life, we get Nicole here on face time.
But hold up, wasn't he just looking at the application from a man who is clearly not Nicole? It doesn't fill me with confidence for the rest of the show when cracks are showing before we even get to the opening titles.
"It's Your Shot, Baby!" he yells at Nichole. Cue opening titles.
After an opening sequence that focuses very much on parties, dancing and the word "7UP", mystery man is unmasked as Steve Pillemer, the creator of 'Your Shot'.
He tells us that "it all starts with the line... and the line is long!" You heard it here first folks: don't bother with learning to beat-match, crate-dig or read a crowd. If you want to be a Superstar DJ, just queue yourself to the top.
Once the contestants demonstrate their queuing proficiency, they're admitted into the 'Your Shot' hall of dreams, which looks suspiciously like a gutted Volcom store.
Turn of the millennium bohemian decor aside, it's a right laugh in the hall of dreams. Not only can you show how desperate for fame you are on camera, you can also do an impromptu shuffling session that can be used in a montage throughout the series to demonstrate how much fun everyone's having and also how "it's about the journey and not the destination".
That's enough fun for now. Down to brass tacks, this is a serious talent show. So we need some serious judges. This is Ben Shprits, booking agent.
And this is Jono Fernandez, who is "not only an incredible DJ and producer, but he's the head 'Your Shot' DJ trainer".
And finally Andrew Goldstone - who is Tiesto's manager and took his career to "another level". Whether that level was higher or lower than fronting a brand-powered web only talent competition is unclear.
Speaking of brands, all this content has got me feeling kind of parched. Lets have a break for a, um, maybe a Sprite? Does anyone fancy a Sprite?
Mmmmm that's a delicious beverage. Right lets get back into it. Lets meet some contestants!
So there's this guy. Who really didn't get any airtime, which is sad because I was really looking forward to hearing him explain his cyber-mouse getup.
Then there's Krewella if Yasmine left rather than Rain Man. Who "have no furniture" in their house (due to their obsessive desire to DJ).
There's "I'm so serious about making it in music I just changed my Major to music" college bro.
Then there's "I got Tiesto's album artwork tattooed on me" guy.
And finally, one of the most deluded people I've ever seen on TV. This guy wants to be a Superstar DJ so bad he "moved to LA to be in this competition". Bro, each episode of this show is ten minutes long, you're only going to need somewhere to crash for maybe a fortnight, repeat after me: "Air BnB".
I was so stunned by that guy's acute inability to function in the adult world that I kind of phased out for a bit, but at some point it came time for the judges to whittle down the pile. They held up pictures of people I didn't remember seeing and talked about how they "really wanted it". Then they phoned the thirty (yep, thirty) successful applicants, everyone was happy and they ran a montage of what's coming up next week.
So that's pretty much it, we'll be back with more episodes as and when they emerge from the abyss.... Can I stop thinking about this now? Please?
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07 Aug 2015