The No Nonsense
A to Z of Festivals Part 2

Festival Season is upon us and so is L-Z of our festival run down.

Festival Season is upon us and so is L-Z of our festival run down

Last week we brought you A-K of weird but truly real stuff that happens at festivals. Now, we bring you the rest. 

Losing all of your friends. You all tried to get to the front, and everyone but you failed. Don’t even think about going back for them.

Morons in morph suits. Just. Stop it.

Nitrus Oxide. The unmistakeable hissing of an over-priced air balloon being filled up will either have you reaching in your pocket for that last fiver or shaking your head in disgruntled disgust.

Orange juice. AKA the only way you’re going to get any naturally occurring vitamins in this weekend.

Propellor Hats. Cool? Wacky? Should have stayed where they belong on a 1977 episode of Blue Peter? You decide.

Queue Jumpers. This isn’t a Marks & Spencer self checkout. This is porta-loo-queue and you’ve been in it for 30 minutes. Etiquette be gone.

Rollies. Ditch them and load up on straights. They’re not as good, but there’s no way you’re going to be able retain your filters, skins, baccy and lighter for more than two hours. Don’t distract me from The Chemical Brothers visuals to root through every pocket I have for a muddy filter.

Soundsystem snobs, or those people who complain about not being able to hear anything when they can clearly HEAR EVERYTHING.

Tent Etiquette – if I don’t know you, don’t pitch your tent any less than a metre from mine. Don’t piss on my tent, don’t fart in my tent, don’t spill your Smirnoff Ice in my tent.

Unexpected appearances by people such as: Bryan Cranston, Beyonce, Dave Grohl in a wheelchair?

Virtuous strangers who become friends-for-life-for-the-night.

Water – drink plenty! I don’t care how hardcore you think you are, man cannot live by Strongbow alone. Get at least a litre into you each day. Oh and you know the vodka you decanted into the 2 litre River Rock bottle to get past security? Maybe put a different colour top on it so you don’t take a big swig of Glens first thing in the morning when you wake up fully clothed in a sweaty tent – trust me, that’s a real vibe killer.

Xtreme conditions. Many feet of mud. An unexpected heatwave. Snow?


Zzzzz  try and catch a lot the night before and at least one other time during the festival.

Intrigued by A-K? Head right over here.

Words: Tamara Roper and Matthew Francey

More Festivals:

Here's What Went Down At Parklife 2015

Your Tough Glastonbury Lineup Choices, Solved!

The Tracks That Went Off At Sonar

22 Jun 2015