As Walmart look for a DJ to 'boost morale' we look at just how bad they could get it
This week American retail giant, Walmart, announced that they were recruiting a DJ to sit in the marketing department of their business. The DJ would be responsible for compiling in-store playlists that would boost morale among the company's sizeable workforce. Having worked in retail for the better part of my teens, I sympathise with the employees getting fed up with the endless repeated pop classics that most major retailers opt for.
But lets not forget that we're talking about retail here, the stomping ground of the soft-psychology sadist. The industry is populated by people who legitimately find inspirational poster inspiring. So while I'm sure the Walmart playlist could definitely do with some improvement, lets not forget that it could get a lot worse. Here are some of the absolute worst songs Walmart's new Superstore DJ could bump on the in-store playlist.
Holy Other - "Touch"
Just imagine a vast, vacant store, stuttering into action at 5AM. The strip lighting flutters into life one row at time, the drone of the air con fires up and the eerie sounds of witch house pioneer, Holy Other, fills the cavernous space as pallid employees shuffle about their business. It's Philip K Dick meets Mall Rats and it's terrifying.
Burial - "In McDonalds"
I can't think of another song that better represents the hollowness of 21st Century consumerism than Burial's "In McDonalds". So what better song to pump during the lunchtime rush?
The Blackout Crew - "Put A Donk On It"
I don't know why, but the phrase "Put A Donk On It" sounds like it would only ever be uttered by The Blackout Crew and by warehouse staff in an out of town retail park...
Shanks & Bigfoot - "Sweet Like Chocolate"
This will be localised to the confectionary department and played on loop ad infinitum.
Justice - "Waters Of Nazareth" (Live Version)
I actually once worked in a PC World and one time when we were shut for a refurb, I got to pick what went on one of the louder sound systems in stock. I went for A Cross The Universe, which lasted all of about three minutes before the store manager switched it over to Capital. I thought she was just being a killjoy, but the other employees were equally as disdainful towards the Frenchmen. From then on absolutely every song imaginable - including Cradle of Filth - was "better than that noise you like".
Michael Gray - "The Weekend"
A happy slice of pop house here. Michael Gray's seminal hit "The Weekend" conjures up that Friday afternoon excitement that hits every 9-5er as the prospect of two days of freedom looms large on the horizon. Not so fun for those in retail, though. All the weekend produces for those in the service sector is an influx of customers, an increase in jealousy and a decrease in patience.
Crazy Frog - "Last Christmas"
Anyone who's ever done it knows that Christmas is the worst time to work in retail. There's too many customers, too many kids, nothing's in stock, everyone's pissed off, but to top it all off you have to listen to the same twelve Christmas hits on loop for a month. It's basically waterboarding for the soul. And what could possibly be worse than that? Well how about a Christmas hit covered by a fictional character from an early Noughties ringtone advert.
Daniel Avery - "Drone Logic"
I'm sure if you were a current Walmart employee who's regularly subjected to hours upon hours of Bieber and Britney, Avery's magnum opus might seem like a welcome relief. But remember this isn't a dark club at four AM, this is a brightly lit megastore at 4PM. The repetition, the build, the drone/worker bee connotations of the title, it'd all get much too much after repeated listening. This would make your average shelf-stacking shift seem like a thousand lifetimes of servicing the hive.
The Black Eyed Peas - "I Gotta Feeling"
Take it from me. Nothing is more soul destroying than hearing this un-ironically play over the tannoy as you embark on an eight hour shift of repricing the Driving Theory Test CD ROMs from £9.99 to £7.99...
Scooter - "Jumping All Over The World"
Make it stop. Please. Just make it stop.
If you work in retail, and need a soundtrack for your day, you can't get beat the 24 hour music on Ministry Radio.
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15 Jun 2015