Every Thursday we delve into the archives of our old print venture, Ministry Magazine. We pick an issue and take a look at a highlight (or lowlight) with a modern eye.
This week we're on Issue 5, with professional Lara Croft look-a-like Rhona Mitra on the cover (for some reason) and stories include "Podium Dancers", "Goldie's Film", "Tuff Jam On Speed" and "Tarantino On prison" (for some reason).
But the story we'll be focusing on this week is titled "Brand And Deliver" and the article focuses on how former national treasures, The Spice Girls turned themselves from a "band into a brand" and poses the hypothetical question of what would happen if another band like, oh I don't know... The Prodigy were to jump on the merchandise bandwagon
What follows is a series of ever more disturbing mock-ups of Keith Flint themed products. Which, of course, we've reprinted below. Enjoy.
Moneyspinner #1 - Prodigy: The Game
What we said then: "Keith's got trapped inside a computer game and has to get out. Help him by collecting ant power-ups. Speed pills and booze give him extra energy - but land him on a super-speed pill and he'll whizz along Sonic-like, while Firestarter booms out like a bastard!"
What we say now: Prodigy the game could have been a real success story, but we reckon rather than modeling the game on Super Mario, it would've been much more fun to travel around collecting various Keith-Pokemon hybrids. Just think: Pikakeith, Bulbakeith, JigglyKeith.
Moneyspinner #2 - Baby Keith Doll
What we said then: "Aw! It's the spitting, farting Keith doll. It's just like the real thing, only with this Keith you can cuddle him and take him to bed whenever you like. But squeeze his belly and he splits phlegm up to three feet! (Piercings not included).
What we say now: We really wish we could un-see this. It looks like Chuckie on the third day of Creamfields.
Moneyspinner #3 - The Karaoke Kit
What we said then: All you budding Keith wannabes can now live out your fantasy with the ultimate Prodigy karakoe kit. Blast out those big beat hits in full Keith-o-phonic sound, but remember, don't spit while your mum's around. But there's more! What about a Keith wig? Capturing the expert styling of Keith's own hair, this accessory will make you the envy of all your Prodigy fan friends.
What we say now: We're genuinely surprised this hasn't already been taken on Dragons Den.
Moneyspinner #4 & #5 - Firestarter Crisps and Keith Quilt Cover
What we said then: Crisps - "Someone put that fire out! These crisps really are hot, hot , hot! Keith knows that if he wants to Breathe he'd better be careful if he's been eating Twisted Firestarter Crisps. We've got a furnace full of flavours for you, from Flamin' Chilli to Blazin' Curry, and all of them will knock your socks off. And best of all, this is a low Fat Of The Land product." Quilt Cover - "Mum won't be making this bed in a hurry! This high-quality print won't run or fade and it turns your bed into a real statement. There'll be no chance of bed bugs biting when you've got Keith to protect you!"
What we say now: Crisps - If Johnny Rotten can sell butter, Keith Flint can sell crisps, get Walkers on the phone. Quilt Cover - We're beginning to think whoever wrote this had a really unhealthy obsession with Keith ...and lyric-based puns.
01 May 2014